I’d always denied that I was scared of anything.
Smart mouthed, quick witted, easy enough on the eye, I’d always chosen to ignore the deep sorrows within and instead I claimed that my life was a series of golden stepping stones and that everything was fine. Though I started drinking and smoking at 15, bunking off school and failing some, though not all of my o levels, my youth seemed straightforward and I didn’t have to go too deep....or so I thought.
Bouncing around the place, falling in and out of pubs and somehow into situations that eventually led me to my chosen profession and speedily to Headship, it wasn’t until I saw a scan of my brain covered in lesions whilst a doctor told me that I had an incurable disease that I really started to be honest.
I’d been scared all of my life. Scared of death...unsurprising as I found my baby brother dead when I was three. Scared of my volatile parents....again, unsurprising given that they were broken hearted and raging at the loss of their child. Scared of my parents dying. Scared of my nan dying. Scared of anyone dying. Scared of the world dying.
I was scared of the nuclear bomb warning that would give us four minutes to sit under a table. I was scared of AIDS when the adverts came in the 80s with the huge gravestone and list of facts. I was scared of dancing in case someone laughed at me. Scared of singing in case my voice was crap. Scared of maths because it confused me. Scared of showing my feelings in case people thought I was soft. In truth, I was scared of life and yet, somehow, I’d covered it up with sarcasm, indifference, anger, humour and substances and I’d managed to blag my way through to 34 years old.
It wasn’t until that doctor showed me a picture of my brain and told me that I wouldn’t have a long and healthy life that I really began to let fear show its true face. I had no choice really. My whole nervous system had finally blown with the sheer effort of covering up the truth and so the unraveling began. I had to sit within myself for a long long time and work out what the bloody hell had happened.
It turns out, I’d never really felt safe enough to say, ‘I’m scared. I’m afraid. I need help.’ Denial is a helpful tool in survival but eventually it becomes blunt and no longer fit for purpose. Truth seems to do better when you want to add some detail and finesse. Truth and trust.
I was fortunate because I’d fallen in love with a woman who despite being terrified herself, was brave enough to hold me, keep me as safe as she could and tell me it would be ok. She listened patiently and watched as I became undone by pain and disease and fought myself to emerge a different person...a truer version...soft, compassionate, vulnerable and kind. Still smart mouthed but no longer with that cruel, defensive edge. I became strong in the face of fear and truth. Stronger through being able to trust.
11 years after that scan, I sat with that same brave, terrified, magnificent lover of mine as a doctor told her that she had inoperable cancer and would soon die. That was when I knew fear again. In its rawest, purist, most visceral form. We left that room not knowing if she would make it through the night. She did, though she died 9 months later. Her own childhood demons meant she had been afraid all of her life. Afraid of dying. Yet she lived a life so full, so wild, so intent on making the world a better place for others, you’d never have known it. Unless you really knew her. Then it was obvious. We are all afraid.
Now, as I sit looking at the wider world, watching as the chaos threatens to consume us all, led by leaders we do not trust and a system we no longer understand, I see the fear in everyone. We are all afraid of something or someone. We all have demons we fight with and we all have ways of covering them up. We shout and we argue or we sit silently hoping no one will notice us even as we crave to be seen. Sick with worry, frozen with fear, however we frame it, it exists and it pervades and yet....there is so much more that we can be. Fear is the greatest divider. Unity is the strength.
We can be connected and somehow that eases the terror. We can look at each other and see what is reflected, not what is different. We can simply be kind and say it’ll be ok my darling, my friend, I’m here and you don’t have to do this alone. We can admit that we are scared and in so doing, we become brave.
What am I so scared of now? In truth I’m scared of the government and what’s it’s doing to this country. I’m scared of losing the NHS to privateers and I’m scared of what chlorinated chicken from America will do to our children. I’m scared of loads of things that are simply not in my control.
Of course, I’m still scared of dying which I absolutely know I can not control but more than that, I’m scared of not living. Which is why, every day, no matter the way of the world, in myself I repeat my mindset....in this moment, there is Hahalala to be had...for me, for others, for everyone and that’s the way I choose to face my fear. Not because it doesn’t exist, but because there is something bigger. Life.
Life in all it’s tiny forms. Like the smile of the elderly homeless woman when you stop to say hello and have a chat rather than just fling some coins in her cup. Her name was Mary.
Like the grateful woman at the checkout with the disgruntled child who sees your understanding rather than your judgement when the queue builds up as she struggles to pack her bags and pay the cashier. Her name was Veronica and she had two more kids at home.
Like the man on the train who looks after his mum and thinks no one will ever love him and whose psoriasis shows his stress and puts people off. His name was Stewart and he cried as he said thankyou for listening.
Since the very first time a stranger took my hand, all those many years ago when I was first told I was sick, I’ve understood that in any one moment, we can make another person feel better. Her name was Annie and her kindness taught me much. Not least of which is that we are all scared and we can all be still be kind.
Life💖💫 It must be lived before it’s over. #hahalalamindset #thekindnessofstrangers
